Finding Purpose Amidst Pain with Alexis DelChiaro

"I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it"

Each of us are given tests and trials. At times the struggle can be all consuming, yet it can also be the very thing that shapes and molds us, even propels us onto a path that we may not have otherwise chosen, but can lead us to fulfill a potential within ourselves that we never knew was there.

• (05:30) I always wanted to be a mom. My husband and I wanted to have kids right away. Within the first few months, I felt something was wrong. I expected that I'd be pregnant after four months and have five kids by 35, and that was not the case. We ended up getting pregnant after about nine months, only to have a miscarriage at nine weeks. It was so painful. There's really nothing quite like it. The sadness and the grief and the pain. It only intensified over the next four years. Over the next four years, we tried everything to conceive. We did five rounds of Clomid, one IUI, three rounds of IVF and nothing worked. Doctors told me that I would never be able to conceive and they could never tell me why. It wasn't like I was missing my uterus or something. So I honestly, I just didn't believe that it couldn't happen unless you could explain why. I always had hope.
• (07:20) God had other plans. He said, nope, that's not how it's going to work. We went through a failed adoption. I can't even explain how devastating that was. When you think that you're bringing a baby home and then you're not.. I was so depressed and so sad and just really struggling in all areas of my life. I was not in the right state of mind. It was hard to wake up every morning and pretend to be happy and cheerful when I was not. I really just wanted to lay in bed and cry all day. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to see friends. Going to baby showers or kids' birthday parties was totally out of the question. It was too hard.
• (10:16) I don't even really know how I survived, how our marriage survived, or how I still have any friends. It was so hard. But I do feel like there was purpose in what happened to me and I know that part of the why for me is to be able to tell my story, to help other women. To inspire and to make a difference when you feel like you're all alone and isolated.
• (10:54) If you really want to be a mom, you will be. You absolutely will be. It's not going to be in your time or how you thought or what you always envisioned. But if you want to be a mom you absolutely will be. Just keep hope alive. Never ever give up. Four years is a long time to struggle, but I know women who took eight years or ten years, but they never gave up because it's their dream. You have got to keep going for it.

If you're passionate about something and if you really want something, maybe the way that you get it is going to change. Maybe you're going to have to be flexible and allow your dreams to be shaped. But that doesn't mean that you need to give up on what you want. It just means that you need to be flexible and work to create that new passion.

• (12:15) I had this thought about the why in all of this. Why is this happening to me? Why is this so hard? Why can everybody else get pregnant easily and I can't? And I thought, well, maybe it's because I need to talk about it. I need to share my experience and share my story. And that's why I created "What the fertility?". It's a community for women trying to conceive or trying to create their family. It's a place to go to to find you're not alone. To hear other stories and ideas. It gave me comfort thinking, "This sucks what I'm going through, but maybe I can help someone else and if I can do that, then maybe this is all worth it."
• (13:13) I was trying to create this beacon of light when I was really dark. It was hard for me to sit down at my computer and even type. Some days I didn't want to talk about my feelings. I didn't want to share. But I did. And I'm glad that I did. I pushed through. Looking back I wish I would have been a little stronger, been able to do more.

A beacon of strength shines from those who find within themselves the ability to put themselves out there not after the trial has been resolved and after the pain is over, but in the middle of the pain. 

• (13:59) In the middle of the pain is always the hardest. If you could know that everything was going to be okay, you're going to get pregnant, you're going to get that job, you're going to get married then it would be so much easier. But part of that is having faith and I just knew that I wouldn't live a life where I wasn't a mom. I knew it. And so that was the drive behind it the entire time. 
• (15:04) I heard this quote, that said "The wound is where the light enters" and it really struck me because I feel like if I would have not had a miscarriage and gone on to have several biological children of my own than we probably wouldn't be having this conversation or the hundreds of other conversations I've had with women about infertility and adoption because I'm so passionate about it. I wouldn't have my son who we adopted and I can't imagine living my life without him.
• (15:41) When you are going through something difficult, it's hard to see the light. It's important to talk about it and open up the conversation because it can be otherwise isolating and lonely. I have had so many women that have reached out to me and said, "I am in the middle of my struggle. I am in so much pain. I am so sad. But hearing your story gives me hope." That makes me happier than anything because when I was in my darkest days, I was constantly searching for hope, trying to look for the light.
• (16:38) I have my happy ending and my two beautiful children. But that wound is still raw and it's still there. I don't ever know if it will go away. But that wound is where the light is coming from for me. That difficult spot, that painful period is still where the light is shining from.

Seek for a shift in perspective. Your experience has proven you and shown you just how capable you are. There's always struggles and you constantly have to redefine yourself and who you are and where you're going in order to stay top of mind. Your past can't be your future, but it can drive your future.

• (19:38) Talking about our problems and our issues and our fears and our concerns helps so much. Whatever you're going through, if you can find someone who you can talk to it makes a world of difference.
• (24:00) I feel a bit freer in sharing my story, whether you're still in it or it's already happened. And I think that that's really powerful, because that's something you can do for yourself. We're more powerful than we realize sometimes.

If you're struggling, consider these steps:

1. Take it slow. Check in with your feelings. Is this okay? Is this too much?Or should I, could I give more?
2. Find a community. Find some likeminded people in anonymous groups or friends that you can talk to. Find your community even if it's difficult.
3. Think bigger. Think beyond your own pain, your own struggle. You're never alone. Center yourself in that knowledge and seek to connect with others to raise each other up.

• (26:18) I went through some really hard things. Do you know what though? I really think it made me a better mom. I'm more patient than I would have been had I not had to wait for my kids. And I'm just more, I'm just more grateful.